Okay girlies, what are we wearing to the gynecologist this spring?

A chronicle of anxiety, armpit sweat & anal gazing.

Hello Glitter Guts,
This is what I am wearing to the gyno - you can catch the outfit deets in the footnotes¹ Music used here is “Anxiety” by Megan Thee Stallion

Before you dive in, I want to share how this piece came to be because knowing that adds a layer to how you experience it.

This started as a voice note I recorded on my phone while walking through the streets of New York. Just me, talking to myself out loud, raw-dogging vulnerability, dodging pedestrians and pools of sidewalk mystery juice.

Later, I transcribed that recording and shaped it into this piece. I wanted to preserve the rhythm, the energy, and the honesty of someone thinking out loud while in motion—because that’s exactly what it was.

And now, full circle, I’ve recorded the piece again — this time not as a wandering monologue, but as a performed reading of the writing that came from it. So technically, you’re experiencing a voice note that became a transcript, that became a piece of writing, that has now become a voice note again . Very meta matryoshka doll. Very me.

So yes, this hybrid personal essay is a little outrageous. And yes, I really said all of this out loud—to no one and everyone on the street, and now to you. This is a snapshot of my physical, mental, and expressive selves negotiating my bodily autonomy in real time.

Thanks for listening, reading, and looping through it all with me.

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🎶 Hellllllllo, you know what time it is? No you don't, but I'm about to tell ya—I'm about, I'm about to tell yaaaaaa. 🎶

It’s time to walk to the train.

Down the steps we go: one, two, three, four, five, out the gate and on our way. It’s a gorgeous day—fuck me is it beautiful out today.

Where are we going today?

I’m on my way to a fun little activity called my yearly gynecological pap smear, baby! Pap, pap, pap, pap, pap, ssssssmear—I’m off to get my pap shhhhmeared.

Yeah so um, I’m kind of nervous.

The Socks Stay On

I’ve been doing this for over 20 years and it’s still uncomfortable. Physically and emotionally. There’s nothing like being naked from the waist down—except for your socks. I keep the socks² on. I still have some dignity. I'm not going to expose the doc to my brittle-ass toenails³ that have been incubating all winter.

Winnie the Pooh on the table. Except with socks of course.

The doctor’s like:

(Doctor Voice) “Nope, scooch down. Nope, a bit furrrrther, a lllllittle bit further.”

And you're just popping⁴ your ass (Kendrick Lamar voice) pop pop pop pop pop down the table with your anus fully on display.

Like—I get we’re here for my vulva and vagina. But does the anus really need to be part of this conversation? I know it's staring right at them, eye to eyes waiting for its turn—so yeah, it’s a little emotionally uncomfortable.

The not so Magic Wand

Physically? Also a nightmare. They use that fucking spooly mascara wand and start scraping around and shit—you know the drill. Then you leave the office slipping and sliding around in your pantaloons for the rest of the day and I hate it.

New Fears Unlocked

I got an IUD a few years ago. Every time I go in, I’m terrified they’re going to say:

(Doctor voice): “Well Hillary, it looks like your IUD has migrated and is now burrowing a hole through your cervix.”

IUD insertion? Worst pain of my 🎶 motherfuckinggggg 🎶 life. And one day, they’re going to have to pull that bitch out and put another one in.

Another fun scenario? They’re going to say:

(Doctor voice): “Oh Hillary, you know how you thought you were constipated? No, no, no that’s actually an ectopic pregnancy that’s been growing on your fucking ovary. You have a little mutant parasite sucking the life blood out of you. Time for surgery.”

Fun Fact: Too many times I’ve nervously peed preemptively, only to be handed a cup and have nothing left to give.

And Now for a Poem

Women have children every day.
That is crazier than this.
Taking care of yourself is slay. 
I am a bad bitch.

The Hand that Haunts Me

One time during a breast exam, the doctor touched my armpit—as they do—and I was so sweaty she had to:

(Yelling voice) WIPE HER FINGERS OFF!

When she went over to my other armpit, she blotted it with my little paper dress.

And that’s my Roman Empire. 

I get by with a Little Help From my Friends

I’m sweating right now just thinking about it. I gotta pause before going into the office really quick, and pull off to the side, over by this bar that has last night's smattering of semi-dehydrated vomit on the sidewalk and take an Ativan the generic from of Lorazepam made popular by Parker Posey's Character in this season of white lotus - cute.

Ahhhh. Dual-purpose water sip:

1. Hard swallow this pill
2. Create more pee in case I need it

Fun Fact: I am absolutely fascinated by the sequence of events that food takes when it goes from eating to shitting, but the moment you start googling this, you open Pandora's box.

I love New York.  I'm walking past: 1, 2, 3, 4… 5, 6, 7. That's how many people I just walked past in that amount of time: 8, 9, 10… 11, 12, 13. Okay, you get the point. I'm just here walking, talking, and counting out loud like the fucking Count from Sesame Street. Nobody gives a fuck. If anything, they'll think I'm talking on the phone and not to the voice notes app. 

So I can just graze on by, having my little chitty chat, counting, freaking out about the gynecologist, and talking about my anus.

No one gives a fuck.

Stand Clear of the Closing Doors 

All right, well, I made it to the top of the stairs, I'm out of breath, and here comes my train. 

Wish me luck, darling, wish me luck. If I make it through this, if I make it to the other side, I’ll, give you a debrief.

For you, it's going to feel like no time has passed. As for me, I will have gone through something, so I'm gonna need you to remember that.

I’m putting on Doechii.

Women have done this—and harder—for hundreds of years.

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During this intermission please enjoy “Anxiety” by Doechii

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74 Minutes Later

Do you hear that siren? They’re coming to pick up my corpse.

I’ve Tested Positive

Doctor said my vulva looked gorgeous. My vagina a glimmering goddess. I’m paraphrasing. Her exact words were:

(Doctor voice): “Everything looks normal.”

The scrapeitty-scrape-scrape-scrape didn’t hurt as bad this time. Probably because I’m dead inside after the IUD insertion. I’ve been numbed to the pain of 🎶bbbeeeing a wwwoommman🎶

Also, I think she used the tiniest little baby speculum. I was like,

(Internal Voice) “Wait… why are you being so nice to me? Okay, cute.”

The Doctor asked

(Doctor voice): “How’s it been going with the IUD?”

(I replied looking down at my abdomen): “Every day I just tell it to stay in there and keep doing your job—but other than just a little light spotting every now and again—it feels kind of random—like it’s controlled by the moon.”

When she finished and told me to sit up, I exclaimed:

(Excited Voice) “Yay, we did it!” 

She gave me a little smirk but kept it profresh.

I don’t even feel like I have a jelly donut in my panties - victory!

If it’s Yellow Let it Mellow

My pre-visit anxiety worked because I remembered to ask the receptionist if I was going to need to tinkle in a cup. 

(Receptionist voice): “Well, do you have something going on they’d need to test for?”

(I said): “Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I'll go in there, they'll hand me the cup and I'll have to tell them, ‘Bad news, I just peed in the lobby.’”

We weighed the pros and cons of “saving it”—my pee, that is. I shared with her my fear of peeing on the doctor, to which she said, 

(Receptionist voice): “Mmmm, yeah, yeah, I get that.” 

She went and chatted with the doctor and came back with a cup that I then took into the bathroom and overflowed with my piss.

I was so proud of myself.

Nothing can dictate your self-esteem faster than the color of your own pee. 

Nearly clear? You feel like you have ascended. 

Potent, concentrated? You're like:

(Internal Voice) “Well, I'm really fucking up my life.”

OK, What Is That Dude Doing?

…ugh, hold on. Anyway—

Well that’s a pap wrap!

It’s a gorgeous day. Just wanted to do a little wellness check. Tell you:

🎉 Yeah, we made it.

And leave you with the image of me, peeing in a cup, and a little bit of it running down the side of my hand.

Okay darlings, I’m getting on the train now. I hope you and your pussies are just fucking thriving today, because you know we are.

Tootles! xxh

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Made it to the end - of course you did because you are a Queen. Respond to this and let me know: 

Do you have a pap smear horror story or hilarious moment?
What are YOU wearing to the gyno this spring?  
How many days pre appointment are we shaving our pubes? Day before = to eager?” 

1. Outfit Details
- Top: Crisp white tee that will turn dingy in a matter of a few washes.
- Jumper/skirt/girls scout uni: Vintage Issey Miyake I found in a tightly packed hole-in-the-wall consignment shop ~6 years ago.
- Sunnies: Pair i wear everyday and use as evidence that i can buy expensive sunglasses without fucking them up. ~3 years ago
- Belt: I stole from my mother.
- Hosiery : Black and white striped socks.
- Bag: Tooled leather purse bought B.V. (before veganism).
- Shoes: Silver sneakers bought at an extremely chaotic basement sale ~6 months ago

I’m really not interested in sharing every brand or designer name unless it feels important in the moment—I don’t know.. Also, please, for the love of everything, don’t look at my outfits and think to yourself, “I need to buy silver shoes.” Look at my outfits and think, “I could grab random shit from the back of the closet, put it on, and then schedule my yearly gyno exam.”Okay thanks, xxh

2. List of Clothing Items Mentioned
1. Socks
2. Paper dress
3. Pantaloons 
4. Panties
5. Gown
6. Winnie the Pooh outfit (metaphorically comparing the state of dress—shirt and socks only)

3. List of Body Parts Mentioned
1. Waist
2. Feet
3. Toenails
4. Ass
5. Anus
6. Vulva
7. Vagina
8. Cervix
9. Ovary
10. Armpit
11. Fingers
12. Hand
13. Abdomen
14. Eyes
15. Throat (implied via swallowing)
16. Mouth (implied via talking, swallowing)
17. Skin (implied: sweat, touch)
18. Blood
19. Pussy
20. Stomach / Digestive tract (implied via food-to-shit curiosity)

4. List of Bodily Functions Mentioned
1. Popping Ass
2. Walking (repeated throughout the piece)
3. Climbing steps (implied)
4. Breathing heavily (after stairs—"out of breath")
5. Peeing / Urinating
6. Pooping / Defecation (implied in “food to shit” curiosity)
7. Menstruation / Spotting
8. Sweating
9. Swallowing a pill
10. Scraping of cervix (during pap smear)
11. Talking / Speaking / Yelling
12. Bleeding / Blood flow (“life blood” reference)
13. Vomiting (described from night before on the sidewalk)
14. Being touched / Tactile sensation (armpit exam)
15. Anxiety response (sweating, nerves)
16. Constipation (mentioned as mistaken identity for ectopic pregnancy)
17. Sexual reproduction / Pregnancy (ectopic pregnancy mention)